Why Do We Suffer?

As humans, we experience unavoidable pain. We get sick, the people we love get sick, the people we love die. There is an inherent, unavoidable amount of pain in the human experience.  

We also experience extra suffering that is caused by our thoughts. As owners of incredible human brains, we have language, we can remember events from the past, we understand time, and we can evaluate things in our minds. We are great at thinking, and our amazing cognitive abilities help us in many ways. They empower us to solve problems big and small in our daily lives and they have enabled us to become the dominant species on the planet.

But the same cognitive abilities that are so great for problem solving in our daily lives also have the power to cause us immense internal suffering. We are the only species on earth that can suffer simply from our thoughts.

For instance, we can think about and remember a past trauma and start feeling intense pain, fear, and sadness as a result – even when no other reminder of the trauma is present. We can worry about that doctor’s appointment in the future. We know we will die and can fear our own death as well as the deaths of those we love. We can think about actions from our past that we regret. We can judge ourselves as faulty, bad, or broken. Our amazing thinking abilities can really get us into a lot of trouble sometimes.

Trying to Escape Our Pain

So what do we try to do when we have a thought that is causing us suffering? Naturally, we try to get rid of it and move away from it. This works great in our general lives – if we have a problem, fix it. Get rid of whatever is causing the problem. I recently did this when I realized the old house I live in has lead paint. I called a professional and made a plan to get rid of the lead paint so my family wouldn’t get sick. All in all, pretty simple and effective.

But this strategy does not work so great in our minds. Let’s say you feel anxious about something in your life – maybe it’s a difficult relationship. To fix it, you might just tell yourself, “Ok, so don’t think about what is making you anxious – don’t think about that relationship.” Sounds easy enough, right? If you could just stop thinking about what is making you anxious, you wouldn’t feel anxious! But I am betting the more you have tried not to think about what is causing you pain, the more you have thoughts about it, and the more you have suffered. Or maybe you have felt a little sad lately, so you have told yourself, “Just stop feeling sad. Try not to feel sad.” I’m going to bet that if you did this, you would end up still feeling sad or feeling even sadder the more you tried to not feel that way.

Trying to avoid the thought or feeling that is causing us pain is called experiential avoidance, and very unfortunately, a mountain of research shows it doesn’t work at all.

But Why Doesn’t Trying to Stop Painful Thoughts Work?

Try this exercise: Set your timer for 30 seconds. During these 30 seconds, you can think about anything you want, but you cannot think about a pink bunny. No pink bunnies can cross your mind, or you fail the assignment. Keep track of how many times you think about a pink bunny. Got it? Give it a try.

How many times did you think about a pink bunny? If you are like the rest of us, it was probably many times! Why is this?

Research shows that when we try not to think about a thought, we just end up thinking about it more! This is because to not think about a pink bunny, you have to tell yourself, “Don’t think about a pink bunny.” But when you tell yourself this, you are thinking about a pink bunny. It’s a mind trap!

Why Doesn’t Trying to Stop Painful Emotions Work?

You can also try this with your emotions. Try telling yourself not to feel some uncomfortable emotion you don’t like – anger, sadness, anxiety, or something similar. What inevitably happens? I would bet the emotion just keeps coming back, sometimes even stronger.

In the words of Carl Jung, “What we resist persists,” or, in the words of Steve Hayes in the excellent book, Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, “If you don’t want to think it or feel it, you will.”

What Experiential Avoidance Looks Like in Our Daily Lives

I strongly believe experiential avoidance – our attempts to avoid painful thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations – is  at the root of so much of our suffering as humans. And before visiting my site, you have probably tried all sorts of things to feel better. Some of these things might have been less healthy, but some of these things might have been recommended by other professionals or self-help resources.

Our attempts to get rid of our painful thoughts and feelings can look like:

·      Turning on the TV at night to distract ourselves.  

·      Distracting yourself.

·      Using alcohol or drugs.

·      Trying to avoid events or situations that make you have painful thoughts or feelings.

·      Rationalizing with the painful thought (for instance, telling yourself that’s an illogical thought and everything will actually be okay).

·      Compulsive working or workaholism.

·      Perfectionism.

·      Compulsive shopping.

·      Compulsive scrolling or internet use.

·      Engaging in other compulsive behaviors (especially if you struggle with OCD).

·      Positive affirmations.

Maybe take a few minutes and think about what you do in your life to try to avoid or get rid of painful thoughts and feelings. Do these strategies help reduce your pain or suffering in the short-run? How about the long-run?

Stay Tuned…

In future posts, I will talk more about experiential avoidance and how it causes us problems. I will also talk about strategies you can try instead of experiential avoidance. Stay tuned for more!