Radical Acceptance

I believe that pain is inescapable in our lives. And when we are in pain, for many of us, our first reaction is to get judgmental or critical. We might get angry at someone else for “getting us in the situation in the first place,” or we might blame ourselves for causing the bad situation that is making us feel pain. We might feel angry, upset, or critical. Even If I am not blaming myself or someone else for the situation, I might be being overly judgmental about the situation itself, telling myself that this is “horrible” or “unfair” or it just “sucks.” 

But being angry, upset, or blaming someone for my pain doesn’t make it go away. For me, I find that blaming myself or someone else for my pain and the situation I am in can often make my pain feel worse. No matter how I feel about my pain or the situation, it is my reality, and I have to deal with it. Often, being upset, angry, and critical about situation can make it hard to see the situation for what it is and take steps to deal with it. When I am in this space, I am often “fighting the past” – I am mad at myself for making a certain choice that got me in this situation, or at someone else for getting me here. This might cause me to miss certain details about the situation because I am so upset about what is happening, or I might be so stuck in being blaming or judgmental that I can’t take the steps I need to take to deal with it. 

We may not realize it, but we can spend a great deal of our time fighting reality, or being upset that things are the way they are. We can feel like things are wrong, or unfair, or unjust, or shouldn’t be this way. As a result, we can spend a lot of mental and emotional energy fighting reality.

Not great, right? The good news is that there is another option to dealing with a difficult, painful situation.

What is radical acceptance?

Radical acceptance radically accepting things just as they are. “As it is” is a great phrase to associate with radical acceptance. When I am radically accepting a difficult situation or radically accepting the pain I am in, I am truly and deeply accepting that right now, this situation and this pain is here. I am accepting life on life’s terms.

 Radical acceptance is truly and deeply accepting that something just as it is.

What is radical acceptance not?

Radical acceptance is not approving of something, or liking it, or wanting it, or condoning it. It is also not being complacent or passive about a bad situation, especially if it is something that needs further attention or action in our lives.  But it is accepting what is as reality.

Radical acceptance actually helps us take healthy and appropriate action against injustices and difficult sitautions. Once I accept a tough aspect of life and stop struggling against its reality, I free myself up to allow my emotions about it to be there and then take action about the situation based on what matters to me. 

An Example of Radically Accepting a Difficult Situation: The Traffic Jam

One of my favorite more minor examples of a place many of us can practice radical acceptance is a traffic jam. If I am stuck in a traffic jam, I can easily find myself feeling pretty immediately pissed off and angry about the situation itself. I feel like I don’t like traffic and it shouldn’t be that way. I am angry about the very existence of the traffic jam. I feel worked up and agitated in my body, and I can notice thoughts like, “I hate this. This is going to make me late. People are such idiots on the road. Why can’t they be better drivers?” I am mad about the fact that I am in the traffic jam. I might start blaming whoever I see as the cause for me being in the traffic jam (maybe I left work late and am now driving at rush hour), or I start blaming myself for the choices I made earlier in the day that have caused me to be in this traffic jam right now. Maybe I just keep judging the traffic jam, the situation, the other drivers, and the town where I live for not having better infrastructure. My energy is going toward blaming and judging.

When I am in this space with a traffic jam, I am often not accepting the reality that the traffic jam just is. I might not like it, and I don’t have to like it. But I do need to accept that it is because it is.  

When I do this, I notice the struggle drops. I usually still feel disappointed or frustrated that there is traffic. I may even feel sad I will probably be late to wherever I am going. But on some level, I stop struggling with the reality of the traffic jam. Once I accept the traffic jam, I am no longer using my mental or emotional energy judging it or blaming myself or someone else for it. I accept the situation and my painful feelings about it. And then have more emotional and mental space to choose what I do next. I can use that time to listen to a podcast, enjoy a favorite song, or call a friend. I am not wasting my energy struggling against reality.

Radical acceptance is a tough concept for many, but I think it is a really important one. I would love to know your thoughts about this idea.